Bears: Mitch stepped up on MNF, tossing 3 TDs for 231 and going 25/31 completion rate. Good for him, but I don’t see this being a consistent trend. He also did still throw an INT.
Bengals: Another week, another loss. Their coach forgot about a rule and looked like an idiot. Wow! Not much happening for Cincinnati besides supposedly having the nation’s best chili.
Bills: Get the tables! The Bills won again! 3-0! But this is also the third week in a row they have faced a shitty team! But, they are 3-0, so whatever! Oy vey...
Buccaneers: Ha. They lost to the Giants. Jameis threw for three TDs and still wasn’t good enough to win. Ooof.
Broncos: Somewhere in the Denver Broncos office, John Elway is crying; probably in the corner of that office, behind the door, wondering where did this all go so wrong?
Browns: Unfortunately you can’t win many NFL games with a horrible offensive line and having as many penalties every game as the Browns get. I’ve been wanting Baker Mayfield to step up this season, but it’s extremely hard to do that when, as soon as you get the snap in your hands, four defensive players are in his face mask and he has to juke, jive, and scurry every play. Those who say Baker should’ve run that TD in are extremely dumb. Yes, he did have the lane to run it in, but for the past three weeks Baker has been doing nothing but running for his life. So, when his O-line actually makes the blocks and he has time to actually stay in the pocket, you can’t blame Baker Mayfield for doing what is in his job description and let the play develop. So fuck off key board warriors. Defense looked great though!
Chargers: Do they need Melvin Gordon?
Chiefs: They beat the “dangerous Ravens” and Patrick Mahomes used his Oakley vision and must have injected ketchup in his ass because he balled out again! The Chiefs look pretty tough, but not invincible.
Cardinals: Rough game for Kyler Murray, but he still had 2 TDs. Remember he’s a rookie playing on the third worst team with the worst offensive line; there will be bumps in the road.
Colts: Marlon Mack and Jacoby Brissett brought it for the Colts offense in Indy win Sunday. Adam Vinatieri also went 2/2, with a 49 yard bomb, so maybe this old man isn’t leaving. In the words of Jordan Belfort from the book and hit movie The Wolf of Wall Street, “I’m not leaving! I’m not fucking leaving!”
Cowboys: They played the Dolphins and beat them. Not much to add here other than how awesome it is that Kellen Moore went from cult favorite college QB, to Sports Illustrated Cover Boise State QB, to flying way under the radar during his NFL career, to now the Dallas Cowboys offensive coordinator; if they keep being as successful as they have been thus far, Jason Garrett might want to be worried.
Dolphins: I get that the Dolphins suck. Really badly. Though why do they need to put Josh Rosen on the field at all? Josh Rosen has every tool to be a franchise QB, but for some reason the football Gods hate him and dealt him a bad hand in Arizona, then gave him a death sentence on this Miami Dolphins team. It is really just a shame to see all his potential be destroyed; he just doesn’t stand a chance. Plus, we all know the Dolphins will more than likely draft a QB next year, so he will probably be on his third team by next season anyhow.
Eagles: Carson Wentz looked good but they are just so injured that it’s hard to counteract that. They also played the Lions, a team that should be easy to beat but can’t be beaten as of thus far. So I don’t know how Eagles fans should take this.
Falcons: This team is just so draining for all the talent that they have. How are they 1-2?
Giants: The Daniel Jones era has begun, and in usual New York fashion the rookie they draft high in the first round (in any sport) gets booed out of the building on Draft night. But time and time again, those same rookies that get booed out of the building show New York fans that they just need to shut the fuck up and see how it plays out, because now every New York Giants fan loves Daniel Jones, the same guy they booed, cried, and have yelled about all off season. Pretty good start for DJ by the way.
Jaguars: Gardner Minshew II is a national treasure off the field with stories of him slamming a hammer into his own hand to get a medical redshirt in college and with his swag outfit style He’s now not only looking good off the field, but this stud of man is now winning football games. Has Jacksonville turned a corner? Has Jacksonville officially started to Jag off this season?!
Jets: Just a really bad game for the Jets, who did still walk away scoring 14 points, but just an overall dismal day for gang green.
Lions: The Lions are still undefeated! No they aren’t 3-0, they are 2-0-1. This might be the most Detroit Lions things ever, to claim to be undefeated through week 3, though they only have two wins. Oi vey. Marvin Jones put on a clinic, having 6 receptions for 101 yards, averaging 16.8 yards a reception, and a TD to top it off.
Packers: Third week in a row they’ve played a team with a shit QB. Still waiting to be impressed with this team. They are 3-0, but can they just play an actual team already? Next week, if they beat a very injured Philly team, it still won’t impress me.
Panthers: Did I say Will Grier era last week? I meant Kyle Allen era. 4 TDs and leading the Carolina Panthers to their first win of the season, not too bad Kyle Allen. Can he keep pounding though?
Patriots: Between cutting AB, to Bill Bilichek staring a hole through a reporter, it’s been an interesting week for the Patriots. That being said it’s just another week and another win for the Pats.
Rams: The Rams game MVP against the Browns were a person and a group of people. The Browns very own Head Coach Freddie Kitchens and the Browns offensive line. If the Browns had a better play caller and even a mediocre line, the Browns would’ve walked out with the W. That, however, is not the world we live in, as the Rams walked away with the victory.
Raiders: They got their asses whooped by the Vikings. Does the Raiders tank officially start now?
Ravens: Lamar Jackson played pretty poorly until the fourth quarter and brought them in striking distance before losing. The “dangerous Ravens” lost to the Chiefs, and that should not be something they just move on from. They should address the fact that if Lamar plays better all four quarters they may have won that game.
Saints: Teddy Bridgewater is back!
Seahawks: Tough loss to the Saints, but is it just me or does everyone think that this is still the same Seahawks team from the Legion of Boom team? I always forget that this guy left, or this guy retired, or this guy got traded. Shame on you Seahawks.
Steelers: Yikes.
Texans: Deshaun Watson had a big day and showed everyone why he is the Texans franchise! 3 TDs and over 350 yards in the air. Roughnecks fans (like myself) need to hold our horses; he may stick this NFL out thing a little longer. Hopefully his O-Line doesn’t kill him first.
Titans: I stand up for Marcus Mariota a lot, and rightfully so. In this game he did throw for 300+, but he also didn’t score any much needed points and threw just above 50%. He needs to step it the fuck up for this team, because they are so good. Marcus needs to realize that this is the first season he has ever played where he has a pretty complete team, including QB depth. Ryan Tannehill is probably seething at an opportunity to get in.
Vikings: They raided the Raiders. Also, the only way this Vikings team will have any success is by limiting Kirk Cousin’s pass possessions. This team is in trouble if their run game and defense doesn’t hold up.
Washington: DAN SNYDER, IT’S TIME FOR THE DWYANE HASKINS ERA. FOR THE LOVE OF YOUR FRANCHISE, PULL THE TRIGGER!
49ers: Jimmy G had a poor game, but they won and are still undefeated; a guy named JEFFREY Wilson scored two TDs, so Jeffrey’s everywhere can celebrate that.
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