Bears: Mitchell Trubisky needs to step the fuck up; that defense is awesome. They held Aaron Rodgers to 10 points.
Bengals: As always, the Bengals are a team not to be overlooked. They may not have been great last year, but with a new coach bringing a new look and philosophy that has been needed in Cincinnati for a long time, things could be good for them as they move on. John Ross also decided he knows how to play at the NFL level now too, so watch out.
Bills: The Bills will win games, but Josh Allen sucks (and is tall). Switch him to tight end after this year and find your actual QB of the future in next year’s draft.
Buccaneers: The biggest mistake the Bucs have ever made was not drafting Marcus Mariota in the 2015 NFL Draft. They would’ve won at least one Super Bowl by now, if not made the playoffs every year since 2015. How the hell the Bucs haven’t even made the playoffs is beyond me, other than Jameis Winston fucking sucks. The Bucs should fail to succeed this year and tank for Trevor Lawrence or Toa Tagviolia. Hopefully, they don’t take the wrong guy again; but don’t worry Jameis Winston, I hear the Tampa Vipers are looking for a QB.
Broncos: They suck, but they have Horse Cock Lock on the bench behind Joe Flacco. I liked Drew Lock coming out of Mizzou in this year’s draft; he, in my opinion, is what Josh Allen wishes he was. Hopefully, the Broncos use him later in the season when they’re 2-11.
Browns: Absolutely atrocious play. The Browns came in privileged and played undisciplined. Hopefully, the absolute slaughter by the Titans will wake the Browns up to the fact that just because they have some good pieces, they are still unproven. That being said, its week 1. There is no better time to hit a bump in the road than now.
Chargers: I feel bad for Melvin Gordon.
Chiefs: Very dangerous, but they will choke. Also, Patrick Mahomes likes ketchup and Oakley, dangerous combo if you ask me.
Cardinals: Imagine if Kyler Murray didn’t have the worst O-line in the NFL; even if his O-line was the 30th best O-line in the NFL, it would be better then what this guy has been given. His O-line is so bad that one of his own lineman sacked him. The fact that Kyler Murray took control of that game when they needed him the most, as if he was a ten year veteran, amazes me. This guy is going to be amazing, especially when the Cardinals get him an O-line. I also loved the complete burning hunger and dissatisfaction Kyler Murray had in his eyes when he was pulled off the field in overtime to tie the game. Kingsbury had to pry him off the field because Murray wanted it so badly; that is just the drive to win at its finest. I will say though, it was weird seeing someone that short play so well behind linemen so tall.
Colts: They should be fine, but it just really sucks Andrew Luck retired from the NFL to play in the XFL. Before he retired I was thinking the only team that could stop the Patriots was the Colts or the Browns; boy was I wrong.
Cowboys: They played a shit team, but looked impressive. Dak Prescott is good.
Dolphins: Dan Marino would be rolling in his grave if he were dead, but he’s not and has to endure the second worst thing and watch a team that he won a Super Bowl with (only undefeated team to ever win a Super Bowl), had a great legacy with, and a team that will forever be linked to his name and career make a mockery of the Miami Dolphins franchise. For shame.
Eagles: Carson Wentz is back. Can they keep flying though?
Falcons: Give up.
Giants: Ha. More like Gi-aints. They suck, but they should trade Eli Manning to the Jaguars and just see what happens. Worst case scenario, they are horrible team that drafts high stock O-lineman to help protect Daniel Jones.
Jaguars: Voodoo. I’m going to tell you a story from this off-season that had to have happened. Blake Bortles gets cut, and while traveling to LA to sign with the Rams, he stops in NOLA and seeks out a witch doctor that curses the Jacksonville Jaguars; this is the Blake Bortles curse. It’s the only reasonable explanation as to what happened on Sunday. The only way to lift this curse is to trade for Eli Manning (not Joshua Dobbs) and reunite Tom Coughlin.
Jets: They suck too, like the Giants but in green and white. If the Browns lose to these chumps on Monday, the Browns might go 1-15 again.
Lions: The pride of the South Central Conference put on a historic performance in his debut and made all of Southeast Iowa (probably all of Iowa) proud. The Lions look like a good team, though they also look like a team that can’t finish.
Packers: Unimpressive, uninspiring, boring. They got the win though.
Panthers:Christian McCaffrey is a stud.
Patriots: Can we just give the Patriots the Super Bowl now? No one is stopping them. Unless a multitude of injuries plague them, the whole NFL is screwed. Now you add AB to the mix of an already talented wide receiver core and also have N’Keal Harry in the waiting. Good golly. This is just another season where Bill Bilichek proves he is playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers.
Rams: They’re still pretty good. Aaron Donald is still scary. Jared Goff is awesome, like I said he would be because I know PAC 12 football. Sean McVay (Piss Boy) is a genius. Enough said. (Hey Browns fans, remember when Hue Jackson said Jared Goff had too small of hands to be an elite QB in the NFL? Haha, me too.)
Raiders: I fucking love Jon Gruden. I will say, however, I can’t tell if the Raiders will be great, average, or suck. For a team that had possibly the best off-season in the history of off-seasons, they had a moderately average to disappointing ‘Hard Knocks’ season. Add in the fact that they have gotten rid of Khalil Mack, Amari Cooper, and AB and it is just so Raiders. This season will be interesting because they are moving to Las Vegas soon, and I have a feeling that even if Derek Carr throws for over 4,000 yards again this season that Jon Gruden is going to draft his QB in one of the next two seasons NFL Draft. A lot of questions will be answered this season and next.
Ravens: The Ravens look dominant, but Lamar Jackson is going to be annoying. We saw this last year; Lamar will be great some weeks and the media will praise and cherish him. The other weeks he will suck ass and the media will shit all over him and label him a bust. That’s what will happen, he’ll be great and he will suck ass; remember everyone, he played the fucking Dolphins this week.
Saints: Drew Brees is great.
Seahawks: They’re the Seahawks. Same team, different season.
Steelers: Apparently the Steelers did need AB after all. Like I’ve said for years, the Steelers are all AB. Now they don’t have him; now they’re nothing. The Rooney’s should’ve fired Tomlin after kicking that FG. Tough road ahead for these “Steelers”. This squad shouldn’t be allowed to wear the Steelers patch until they either molly wop the Patriots, fire Mike Tomlin, or draft a QB in the first round.
Texans: They need an offensive line before Deshaun Watson becomes the next Andrew Luck. But as a future Houston Roughnecks fan, I hope Deshaun Watson says, "F this noise," and leaves the Texans for the Roughnecks. S’co Necks!
Titans: I said all off-season that the Titans are a sleeper team and will have great success this season. They have a stud filled defense, and Marcus Mariota is a great QB but hasn’t been able to show that consistently the past four seasons because he has had a horrible offensive line and sub-par wide receivers. Now he has targets, somewhat of a better O-line and Derrick Henry. Don’t Trifle with the Titans.
Vikings: The defense is back, and Dalvin Cook is great. Kirk Cousins threw like 10 times. They are a dangerous team. They will choke.
Washington: They look complete and competitive, even in a loss. Washington would’ve made the playoffs last year if Alex Smith hadn’t got Joe Theismann’ed, but Case Keenum looked good. If by next week or week 3 they still haven’t won a game, put in the rookie Dwayne Haskins; get him reps and get your future started ASAP. He has the potential of being a great quarterback in the NFL. They’ll be a team, trust me.
49er's: Is Jimmy G good or what?
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